Mowing the lawn is a plague upon society, humanity, and yourself. Stop the madness
It's not a secret that mowing the lawn is the most useless, wasteful thing a suburban moron can do.
It wastes time.
It wastes gas.
It wastes money.
It wastes water, it wastes fertilizer, it wastes sunlight. It even wastes the effort the grass puts into growing.
Imagine if you were the grass. You grow, grow, and grow, and then some cruel monster goes and cuts you up. Terrible.
Strangely enough, we still get to suffer in such a way sometimes. A lot of people choose to take the effort of watering their grass. Predictably, watering your grass makes it grow faster, and then you have to cut it more, because you want the grass that you watered to be short. Makes no sense to me.
It can only be a cultural tradition. An insane cultist ritual.
So stop it. Just stop it. Why are you carrying out such a bizarre, useless ritual? Any excuse you make to carry out this chore is absurd. You can't justify this sort of thing. “Keeps the bugs down” is the only half-way legitimate reason I can think of, yet even that is bizarre in modern times. We live in houses, you know.
Grass isn't even native to where you live, is it? Not lawn grass, at least. Why not allow natural plants to grow? Or just grow fruiting plants and useful herbs?
I just can't imagine why grass is so important to you.
In older times, lawns were owned by the rich. They'd have their lawn, and their sheep and their goats, and the animals would eat the grass. Jealous peasants tried to imitate them, and well, here you are. That's you.
You're the jealous peasant who has no idea why you have a useless lawn. “Because it looks nice.”
Not a chance. Lawns are abnormal. Our animal instinct loves the wilderness. It hates lawns and suburban aesthetic. Our eyes crave beautiful flowers, wild shrubs, groups of trees, and little rocks and boulders, embedded in the naturally fertile earth.
Why not just install solar panels instead of grass, at least? Even if you hate flowers and herbs and trees, maybe you're the weird sort who wants endless fields of machines and lifeless concrete. Solar panels. Go for it.
Mowing the lawn raises dust and pollen; grass viscera and fumes enter your lungs, and then your nose starts to run. If it doesn't run, you're probably just letting the plant fragments rot in your lungs. Terrifying. Besides spreading pollen all over, and having all your neighbors be forced to inhale gasoline fumes and dead grass mist, you're also making a lot of noise.
Yes, lawn mowers are loud and irritating. They ruin the beautiful sounds of summer. The soothing sounds of wind, birds, leaves and bugs is all replaced by the most hideous sound I can imagine, perhaps even worse than the screech of scratching forks on plates. Why make me suffer? Why shatter the ambience of summer? It's disgusting and so wasteful, I really can't tolerate it.
And worst of all, lawn mowers violently grind up tiny mice, toads, frogs, innocent spiders, baby rabbits, moles, and all sorts of little living beings.
Including kittens, perhaps.
“Good riddance”, you say? Shame on you. You're a human, so you go live in your house all safe. The outside is for the wild animals, so respect them. Don't grind them into paste. That sort of thing is obscene and disturbing, and when it's all because of some unnecessary societal ritual, it simply cannot go on.
So like I said before: Stop. Just quit doing this whole “suburban lawn” thing, and rebel. Sure, some crazed city council might threaten to steal your money. Sure, your neighbors might start cursing you under their breath. But honestly, this is a cult that we need to abandon.
Lawns are seriously an eyesore to me.
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Sources
- David Freund, Getty Images: Mowing Sucks.
- Greg Hume, Wikipedia: Dandelion seed head.
- illBMill: “I illustrated a calendar for 2014 where each month is represented by a monster, or monsters. Here is the artwork:”.
- HereticKitten: Mowing the lawn is a plague upon society, humanity, and yourself. Stop the madness.
I am not the author of this article. I'm sharing it because I think the hosting website is due for failure [blockchain nonsense] so I'm saving the text for posterity. Moreover, I never viewed gardening like that before, and strongly agree with most of it.